Communication breakdown is one of the main causes of disturbances in the relationships.
Not just dating relationships but also parent-child, siblings, friends & even co-workers.
Respect, empathy and connection are the building blocks of communication. Your not going to truly hear someone if you do not actually care. You have to be open and willing to receive what people have to say and take it in fully.
In this article, I am going to present to you some methods that may help you better your communication skills within ALL of your relationships.
Since after-all, communication is in the foundation of every single relationship you will ever have. Some people were raised with minimal or no communication skills whatsoever, and that typically leads to a life-long struggle to hold any kind of relationship. It makes having a successful dating relationship hard, it makes having a job difficult because you have to interact with co-workers and/or customers, it can even make your ‘friendships’ nothing more than a “Hey, how are you?”, “Oh that’s great, see ya later”. Those kind of relationships will only ever be what I will refer to as a ‘Surface-Deep Relationships’, because you do not actually care about the person enough to communicate deeply and meaningfully or maybe you do not even know how to. As I said, today we can work on that a bit together.
Here is a chart of what typical communication in a Surface Relationship looks like, and the translation looks like to the other person:
You do not have to threaten someone, make them feel guilty, mow them down or get louder to communicate. That is not communication, that is Verbal Abuse.
Avoid “Emotional Gridlock“. I will give you an example of what that is:
It has been a long day at work, and especially if you have children; picking them up from daycare/school, you are tired, you are run down but you still have to cook dinner, bathe them, bathe yourself, read night time stories and get them settled in before you even have a moment of peace to decompress yourself. This is the makings for a communication disaster.
In comes your partner, who throws off his work boots, leaves them laying around, shimmy’s out of his fluoro’s and leaves them in a little pile somewhere for you to pick up later, and he waltzes into the living room collapses on the couch, flips on the TV and begins to decompress. Maybe he didn’t even say “Hello” to you, as your slaving away over dinner with rugrats around your ankles wanting to rip your own hair out.
Your thinking to yourself, “Why did I ever think that creating these little womb-gremlins was a good idea?“. Then that thought leads you into; “I really wish my partner would help me out a bit more, can’t he see that I’m run down, can’t he see how tired I am, why can’t he see me?”
When in this moment in all actuality, you have communicated nothing to them about how you feel, how they could assist you, or what you even need help with.
Some men have watched their mothers do every single thing around the house since they were old enough to remember and because of that, they are just repeating what they believe to be ‘normal’.
This leaves you feeling:
– Uncared for
– & even more exhausted
This is when you have reached “emotional gridlock“.
So the idea here is to communicate to your partner in a way that is most effective, before you get to the point of having all of those upset feelings inside. People cannot read your mind as much as you think they should be able to. And in your partners current state of decompression, they may even be totally oblivious to how you are actually feeling.
You could try a few of the following phrases to express your feelings and communicate effectively in this moment:
“I feel distracted while I am cooking, I want to get it done quickly, can you help with that?”
“I’m feel tired and I want you to get the kids ready for bed, can you help with that?”
Using this pattern of communication will allow you to be respectful to your partner and not degrade them by guilting them or manipulating them. It allows them to make the choice to help you from a place of love instead of out of irritation that you have “nagged” them. Pay attention to your tone of voice as well because it is easy to imply anger through tone even when we are trying to be nice.
Try these tactics when in these frustrating situations. Know what you want & need from your partner and communicate it effectively.
After a while of using this method, the neuro-pathways in your brain will change and eventually you will be able to automatically leave those bad habits behind.
Always remember, everyone has bad days. We all get stressed, tired and frustrated. But the most nonconstructive thing we can do with those emotions is take it out on our partner/family/friends.
Until Next Time,
Love & Hugs,
-The Raven xoxoxox