Hello Readers, I’m back again.
I apologize for the delayed post. My newborn had an accident last Thursday and I was unable to make this posting on Friday.

I intended to start this series at the beginning of my life. But I think it is more pertinent for me to start it with where I am right now.

Has your partner ever made you feel like you are out of control of your whole life because of the way they control you and everything you do?
Do they tell you who you are allowed to talk to or where you are allowed to go?
Does your partner have an addiction problem and make you pay for their addiction in anyway?
Do you already have children that your partner does not treat kindly because they are not his?
Does your partner disrespect you by calling you names, degrading your sense of self, destroying your self-esteem until you feel like you are nothing?
Does your partner do things to get revenge or to be spiteful when they feel like you have not followed their orders?
Does your partner try to control your social life?
Does your partner lie to you about things and make you feel like YOU are the crazy one?

That was my reality for 9 months last year. When I met him, he swept me off my feet, he called me his princess, his angel. Said how lucky he was to have such an independent and successful woman. How great my son was, how much he loved us and would do anything for us. I was so overwhelmed by his love that I allowed him to move in with me after only a month and a half of dating. For the first month after he moved in with me at the end of February it was was great. Then he quit his job and started binge drinking, and when he ran out of savings he would emotionally abuse until I would buy him more. He started calling me fat, saying that no one else would ever love me because of my mommy belly, called me a cunt and a bitch, and every other awful thing you could think of. I worked full time while he sat around drinking all day, he would do nothing and leave all the housework to me. I would come home and cook dinner, he would get irate when I did not plate his food. He would complain because there was “no food in the house”, even though there was plenty of food he just refused to cook for himself. He would abuse me to cook for him on weekends, complaining that he was starving, and when I would finally break down and make him something, he had the audacity to throw it on my bedroom floor. He talked ugly to my toddler, who I constantly had to defend. He stayed in my room watching Youtube all day and night until he finally would pass out. Only to wake up the next morning and start drinking before I even left for work. I was paying $440 a week for rent by myself in a big beautiful house, on top of every other bill, plus his $150 for 3 (sometimes 4) slabs of beer a week. My anxiety started to take an ugly turn. It got to the point that I started recording audio of the way he was treating me. He even falsified a pregnancy test with pink crayon after standing on the back of my car preventing me from leaving my house with my son. My mother had to come and save me in that situation. He falsified it to make me stay with him.

The abuse only got worse. He would start me in the mornings before work to make me late, he wanted me to lose my job so that I would be helpless and be unable to have interactions with anyone who could help me. He made me send him pictures of places that I said I had to go to prove to him that I was really going there. He constantly accused me of talking badly about him to my mother and other friends and tried to make it to where I could not see them. Trying to drive a wedge between me and my support network so that I felt trapped and helpless. It worked for a while. I found myself reaching out to family and friends less and less because I was ashamed of what I was going through. After I found out I was actually pregnant with my son, one morning before work he would not stop harassing me and so I shut the door to my room and held it shut. He then shoved it open and I flew into the wall behind the door, leaving a huge body print in the drywall and me in excruciating pain. I was 7 weeks pregnant at the time. It only took me a couple more weeks to realize that I had to end it. This is only some of the things that occurred during this time. But these are the ones I remember best.

When I was finally able to rid myself of the toxic situation I was already 9 weeks pregnant with his child. Through the pregnancy, I was completely alone, save my 3 year old who helped me hold my sanity together. I went to and paid for every appointment, I stocked up for my new sons arrival and did all of it on my own. I bought all the things he needed to make sure I would be ready to handle anything that came my way. I did all of that while working my full time job and taking care of my toddler.
I worked all the way up until the day before I delivered him just to be able to make sure my ends were meeting with my bills and that I would have some extra savings to buffer for anything that may happen.

All the while during this time, my ex kept attempting to get back into my life in one way or another (whether it was trying to get into my pants or promises of support). Always making grand promises that he would and had changed, or that he would pay for my next appointment for the baby, or that he would buy a particular item that the baby would need, or that he would be the best boyfriend on earth and treat me like a princess if I would just give him ONE. MORE. CHANCE. Blah, blah, blah. I am here to tell you that none of those grand promises ever came to fruition. They were all a part of his manipulation tactics to pull me back in. I attempted to let him move back in with me 12 times during my pregnancy, and every. single. time. he was exactly the same and I would have to make him leave again after just one night back. He was disrespectful and hurtful to me, to my toddler and by extension, his unborn son from all of the stress he was causing me.

Fast forward 9 months…………

I delivered my beautiful baby boy on the 24th of March this year. 8 Weeks ago tomorrow.
Against the will of very concerned family and friends, after a week, I allowed my son’s father to meet him. Upon that initial visit seeing the two of them together, seeing him holding him, the look of love in his eyes he has for his child, it made me drop the guarded fortress wall that I had put up around my heart. That left me very vulnerable. After that first visit, he started seeing him nearly everyday for the next 3 weeks, his father would come by after work and help me with him. Things were going great, we were getting along, I was happy because he was being respectful and nice to me. He started sending me some child support that I did not even ask for (he volunteered it), that was also helping me.

THEN

In week 4, he asked me if he could “date” me, if I would be his girlfriend again. To which I said yes, but that I wanted to take things very slowly. Then over that following weekend I allowed him to stay the night, he stayed the whole weekend and it was nice. He didn’t complain about the lamp in my room being on (which I need to be able to get up and care for the baby in the night). He didn’t wake up cranky, he didn’t complain about my toddler, he was respectful, loving and affectionate. Then on that Sunday night he returned to his home, where he lives with his parents. Sunday night he had a disagreement with his mom and called me frantically stating that she was going to kick him out. And that he wanted my help finding a place to live. I said that is a good idea if they are not getting along and that I would help him in any way I could.
Monday he goes to work and calls me, he says that his work closed due to Coronavirus and that he didn’t know what to do because he was worried about his living situation. Because I was so vulnerable emotionally, I said that maybe since he was out of work, that it might be a good idea for him to stay with me and care for our son during the day while I was at work. I had went back to work 2 weeks after my son was born at first working from home and then transitioned back to my office. I had been working and taking care of my newborn at the same time for about 2 weeks at this point and was very exhausted and run down. To me it seemed like a sign that maybe these things were happening this way for a reason.

Ladies, wasn’t I so very wrong.

That Monday night he went and bought a slab. Which he finished in 2 days. Then he drank for the next 9 days straight, and I did not realize he was Day drinking while caring for my newborn. As soon as I discovered this, I put an immediate end to it, telling him that it was illegal and that he would never ever see his son again if I caught him doing that. He agreed to my terms. But then decided he would just wait until I got home from my 8.5 hour work day to smash down lots of alcohol very quickly and be piss drunk by 8pm and then toddle off to bed while leaving me to care for both of the children. This continued to happen for another 6 days. Until I had had enough and had a go at him for the drinking, telling him I didn’t want it around and that he should leave because I didn’t like the way he was treating me or my sons’, and that I didn’t like him drinking AT ALL around us. I couldn’t even stand to look at his drunk face, let alone here his slurring of words.
When I told him to get out, he sat on my couch and begged me yet again for “just one last chance” as he has a million times before. To which I responded “this was supposed to be your last chance already“. Never in my life have I ever had a boyfriend ask me for so many freaking chances, and still until this very moment I do not understand why I keep saying yes. My brain is so twisted from all the trauma I have experienced over the years that I just cannot say “No“. I want so badly to say NO WAY. But it just never comes out properly. Is it a fear of being alone forever that keeps me trapped in this truly messed up reality? I wish I could figure it out, because I have always been so strong. Why do I keep allowing myself to be a doormat to his control and alcoholism?

I am returning to therapy and anxiety treatment because every day now I wake up and feel like I’m having a panic attack, I suffer from PTSD with Anxiety & bouts of Depression. I feel like am living in a waking nightmare. Instead of enjoying my life, my children, my career and my success. I am being exhausted by the self-centered nature of the narcissist who is plaguing my life with is constant needs for reassurance, validation and control. I find my thoughts clouded and bitter, my motivation and focus waning. As if all of the happiness and energy is just being sucked right out of my soul, because it is. It is fuel for my narcissist.

In conclusion, NOTHING has changed at all. If anything it is now worse, because once again, I accepted the behavior.

With lots of support, I know I will get through this, just like you can.
Thankfully I have many family and friends to help me when I am feeling down.|
It gives me a great sense of relief to have so many wonderful and supportive people in my tribe. I would truly be lost without them. Experiencing the genuine care that these individuals have for me, is unlike anything else I have ever felt in my life. I am so thankful and appreciative of them.

Love you, you all know who you are xoxoxoxox

Next week, I will start at the beginning of the trauma in my life as I intended to in this post, but I thought while this was fresh on my mind that it was a good time to share it.

Ladies, if you are going through anything like this, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you need support. There are millions of women out here who are experiencing this exact same situation and even worse.
Our Women’s Centre is here to help women like me and you, who are struggling with these terrible circumstances in our lives, to recover and live better. Please reach out to us either by calling or by filling in the contact us form on our website. We want to help you, I want to help you, that is why I am sharing my personal story, to show you what the reality of Domestic Violence looks like and how it makes you feel. Sometimes we do not even realize that we are going through it, when we are, because our abuser has conditioned and groomed us to just accept it. Sometimes it just seems normal, because we’ve been treated this way our whole live’s right? It is not normal, it is not acceptable. And when you gain the personal strength you need, you WILL be able to overcome it my love.

Until Friday,

Love & Hugs

-The Raven

 

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